when it is time to let Alby go

Yesterday was the ending of something beautiful. It was a certain kind of love between a man and a woman that has left me unfulfilled and unhappy for a year and a half. Looking back, I'm wondering if it was mostly self inflicted -- a choice I made to suffer because I was in desperate need to connection. Brene Brown penned it beautifully in her new book Daring Greatly that human beings are design to make connections. If no connection, we suffer greatly. I realized that no matter how good and charming of a person he was, these past years my thoughts about who he can be for me had been in most part a figment of my imagination. An imaginary man, a hope, for a future romantic interest awaits me in the while I go through a time of trials. However, as "nice and real" as I made it out to be, I became a prisoner of those thoughts. I wasn't able to fully enjoy moments that I have with other people because he didn't show up. I began to do things in hopes of seeing him. I found myself more engaged when he was around. I found myself more worthy of love when he contacted me. Those contacts were so desperately few that though I still had the capacity to live freely but I was not entirely free.